Relationship Advice for Men – Setting the Frame

by Kurt Spelling

One of my reader’s asks:

“…and every time I sleep with a new woman she falls in love with me. I’m not in a place right now where I want anything serious and am really enjoying my new freedom to choose, so how do I handle this situation? What do I say if I don’t want to be their boyfriend?”

This article contains some essential relationship advice for men, especially when dealing with new relationships. Setting the frame is a crucial first step in any relationship. In normal English, this means there are two different ways you can act.

You can act like a player, who is here to enjoy the woman and be intimate, but then that’s it.

This frame feels much like “I’m not going to be the boyfriend. I’m not going to cook you dinner. I’m not going to pick up your kid from day care. I’m not going to do any of the boyfriend stuff. I’m just here because we enjoy each other intimately.”

Or, you can act like the boyfriend, which puts out the vibe of “exclusivity”. “I like doing little sweet things for you. I take care of you and you take care of me. I enjoy mutually supporting each others growth and lifestyle.”

See the difference between the two frames?

The important thing is to ask yourself, what do I want? Some guys want a girlfriend. Some guys want three girlfriends who are all non-exclusive. Some guys want no girlfriends, and just want to go hook up and meet random women. Which are you? What are your goals with women? Where do you want to be?

Most relationship advice for men will never focus on men. It focuses on trying to please the women. But this is all wrong. For a new relationship, my advice to you is to look inside and be honest with your desires. Then you will know exactly what type of frame you want to create.

If you’re intention is to only have sex with a girl, then don’t do the cute boyfriend things. Don’t put it in her head that you’re going to be the dependable boyfriend guy. Be very sexual. Be very open about the fact that you are enjoying your non-relationship status. Be honest! There’s nothing to lose.

Here is my absolute best relationship advice for men, like the article says, set the frame. Here is my favorite way to do so.

After the first time you have sex with a girl is the perfect time to set the frame. If you want to set the frame as just being in an open-relationship, the way to do so is through complete honesty. It’s not a lie. It’s not a tactic. It’s not a routine. It’s just honest.

So you’ve just finished having sex and you’re concerned that this girl might be looking for you to be a boyfriend. I like to say something like this:

“Hey I really like hanging out with you and getting to know you, I think you’re a really chill girl and it’s a lot of fun. I really enjoy how both of us are really open and how low pressure and relaxed our relationship is. I think it’s awesome that we can get to know each other without all the constraints of your typical relationship.”

This is precisely how you can control the frame in a new relationship. And look at the advice, what do you notice? Everything that I say is positive. I didn’t say “Hey I really love spending time with you, but I DON’T want to be your boyfriend.” No cause that’s much more mean sounding and negative.

If you rephrase everything in the positive, she really has no choice but to agree. Also, the fact that you’ve just recently had sex helps because you’re both in that happy times after-sex glow.

Also, you’re being totally honest and not just trying to avoid the topic, like most weak men will do. You’re not leaving anything out there in the gray area. Remember, rephrase that statement to match the way you talk, or it will come off as incongruent.

So the absolute best relationship advice for you guys, especially when in a new relationship, is to control the frame. If you want a girlfriend, act like the boyfriend, and if you don’t want a girlfriend just be honest and she’ll respect you for it. Frame it positively and it’ll all go well.

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